I wish I had a river...

Once again a year is about to end. Just a moment ago it’s been summer, but now it’s winter – we’re at the heart of December and this day is all about Christmas.
Christmas... What’s that supposed to be, anyway? In Germany we  say it’s the Holiday of Love.. But that’s only a claim to me...

Yes, nothing more but a claim that doesn’t really convince me. Sure, it’s nice to spend the day with my family and I don’t want to miss that, but it’s sad that even today, I don’t really feel like celebrating.  There’s things that make my heart grow heavy, that make it impossible to indulge in merrymaking or to get any kind of festive mood... Quite the contrary, I can’t take this whole Christmas mood.

I dislike seeing the city all aglow in colorful lights, Christmas carols make me sick. Old fashioned melodies, worn out hymns... Though they may have made me happy in the past, they don’t have this effect on me anymore. Not this year, no, nor the year before. Things just have changed – I guess I have changed, too.

My mom jokingly calls me a “Grinch” at Christmas and I tend to call myself that too at times, just for fun, but there’s an important difference between him and me. While he detested Christmas, but grew a heart in the end, it’s quite the opposite with me: i used to like Christmas, but now... Well, I’m not going to get melodramatic again and I’m not saying that my heart now is just as shrivelled as his was, but I guess it’s something like that...

But why? I know the reason – and those, who know me might guess as to why I speak like this, but although there’s so many things I want to say, that would possibly explain my disdain towards these festive days, it’s getting hard to find the right words.

Words have power – and I fear if I were to write them down, to give shape to my thoughts this way, worries and fears would become bitter reality. I know, it may be that reality already caught up to me and I’m just denying the truth, but... Although I want to tell you, my dear readers, about everything that prompts me to write gloomy lines like these on a day you may spend happily, I beg you to be lenient towards me.

Even if I am not meant to spend this day celebrating, I still do hope your day will be a good one and I wish you happy holidays, and merry Christmas. May you be with your loved ones and may all your dreams and wishes come true in the next year.

As for me...