I know, a very creative title, am I right? I’m aware that I’m usually better at finding catchy lines that may even spark some people's interest, but I suppose this time I just can’t find a way to properly shape what this article is going to be about - all I know is that I’ve been thinking a lot recently. I suppose this is one of the times when I just kinda let go and write whatever comes to my mind. Yes, I believe this is what this is about. It may not be the most intriguing thing to some, perhaps, but I appreciate it if you read it anyway. :)
You know what people say: life’s really like some kind of roller coaster sometimes.
First it’s going up, your anticipating rises, then there’s the fall. You scream, but might enjoy it nevertheless. You also might get scared in the process, maybe fearing the next rise because you know you’re only going to fall again. It may be surprisingly thrilling after all though, there might be spirals or a looping next, but maybe this also scares you. I guess what I’m getting at: you never know what life has in store for you.
Some people like to live like that, they like to be surprised. They’re spontaneous and find good things in every situation. ‘Always look on the bright side of life’. God, how I hate that line (and the song too). It isn’t hard to imagine that I’m quite the contrary. I mean, I do like surprises in a away, yet I have a striking talent for finding the bad side of everything – does that make me happy? Certainly not. Is it who I am? Oh yes, it is.
I never really anticipate much, I learned that being happy about things never lasts long and that if you look forward for something TOO much, you end up getting disappointed all the more. That’s why I’m convinced that not expecting anything, makes you get hurt less – plus when something good DOES happen, it surprises you and makes you happy. See? I do like surprises.
Why I write all this? Well, as I said, I’ve been thinking a lot recently again... I do that often, when I have time on my hands and just lay here and stare at my ceiling: it gets me thinking. It’s destructive sometimes, I will admit that, but it’s not like I can help the thoughts that come to my mind.
I’ve been thinking about my future and about things I heard people say about it. I heard someone saying something along the lines of “How can you plan a future, if the current you is still a work in progress”? It was about a slightly different matter and an entirely different situation than mine, but still it got me thinking: I try to find a way to future for myself but realize that I find it difficult, so there’s got to be a reason for that, right? So I look at myself, at my life, and ask myself, am I happy with how my life is at the moment? And if I’m to be honest with myself... No, not really. I am not. Sure, there’s been small things that made me “happy” recently: I’ve painted again, I got the new bed I wanted, I bought new pencils, ordered an art book by the artist I admire most, Yoshitaka Amano, but... Does that mean my life is good – does it make me feel fulfilled? Truth is, I’m not sure and I’m inclined to say no.
I sure AM a work in progress, that I won’t deny, but I guess it’s worse than that: I’m something built on a shaky base. Compare me to a building if you will and if it makes it easier for you to
get the image I’m trying to convey.
I’ve started building my future layer for layer, based on a dream, slowly, searching my way to achieve what I wanted and at some point of my life I realized my future was getting crooked. Things aren’t always the way you imagine them, so you got to improvise, you know? Luckily I had someone who helped though, he added some pillars and the base stopped trembling. The future seemed more secure again and it seemed to start looking good – I got a vision of how it could look like once it’s finished and kept on adding on top of that base. Before I knew it though, the pillars started crumbling and now that I have to add the next layers to actually start building my future, the base is about to collapse without those pillars.
Urgh, yeah, ‘easier to understand my image’ huh? I am sorry, I tend to write in metaphors... But perhaps you still get the point. To make matters short: how can I build a future, if I’m not so sure at the moment how to live with myself?
Now what got me thinking those things?
It’s actually a little silly to admit since I’m usually all like “I’m probably the least feminine woman around” when it comes to my behavior. In fact I can’t stand the typical female, you know, those silly girlish, eye-batting things, chattering with their many friends like a bunch of geese, use stuff like make-up, wear short skirts and revealing cleavages and have an ‘Uhh I don’t know how this works’ attitude and wink at men so they help them.
Aaanyway, I’m getting off topic here. As a woman who has an attitude that makes me think I need to act ‘tough’ in front of people (probably comes from growing up with male friends and always having found it easier to deal with them than girls XD) I sometimes find it difficult to admit I like typical ‘Girl things’ – and this includes girlish shows. The one in particular I mean here is an older one I have loved since ages: Ally McBeal.
Don’t laugh >//> I just like it, I can’t even tell why, especially since I’m usually not into law-related shows, nor do I like stuff that’s all about couples and their problems. In fact it was a coincidence that I got into it: I just saw it on TV many years back and found it interesting, so I got the DVDs and actually really started to...Identify myself with Ally.
Back when I first watched it (dunno, must have been 7 or 8 years ago - or was it longer?), it was because I also was very much like her: I was alone and loved someone unreachable, someone impossible to be with. She’s said to sing a song called “Good night my someone” to herself, a love song to someone she knew exists, but never met, and this was like describing me. It’s so silly really, but it was bittersweet to watch this show and part of me hoped to find answers I didn’t dare to ask. Then I DID meet someone, I was happy and I suppose thats why I gradually stopped watching it.
Now, again some years later, I found myself thinking like: hey, why not watching it again? It’s been so long, so I barely remember every episode. So I did - I started watching it from the start and heck... Things sure did change for me.
I still relate to Ally, partly for the same reasons as back then, but there’s also new aspects about her that never struck me so much back then... For example the whole plot of her still grieving over the loss of the love of her life and still loving him after all? *shakes her head* I mean really... Back then I did sympathize with her for that, but now I kind of... Actually understand it. The ‘been there, done that’ way, you know?
And her denial? Just look at that quote:
“The real truth is, I probably don’t want to be too happy or content. Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That’s the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I’m having a great time and I don’t even know it.” - Ally McBeal
Could have come straight from me. Or when her friend told her to get therapy? Here’s another quote that qualifies as ‘Yasi could have said the same’:
“Even if I get past all of my problems, I’m just gonna go out and get new ones. I like being a mess. It’s who I am.” - Ally McBeal
Yup, totally me. I’m a mess, a total wreck. Who knows, maybe thats why. Because a messed up part of me likes it.
...I mean, who am I kidding. When I think about it, I DO like it. I like being crazy, I like being complicated, I like loving someone impossible, I like being romantic and admitting that I found
‘the one’ and doubt I’ll ever find love again, even if that means to die alone, forever grieving.
Yes, I guess I do like myself after all. I may not be happy at the moment and I may not be happy about my current situation, with an uncertain future and everything but...I am who I am.
I’m a dreamer and possibly a nutcase, but that’s me.
I suppose this is all for now. Expect another entry soon however – and then it’ll be with some drawings and other things.