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The end of a challenge

All things come to an end, that's an universal truth.

After a rather difficult and eventful 2020, where many things changed for virtually all of us, I decided to step back from a challenge I've grown to love and have been doing for the better part of two years. Today I want to tell you all about why I made this decision and I also will offer you an opportunity to look back at all 23 drawings I created.

First of all, what challenge am I talking about?

The "Colors of the Month" are a challenge created by an American company called 'Marker Universe'. Every month they pick a limited selection of colors (originally three markers, although there were exceptions, as you will see later) and artists are challenged to create a drawing using only said limited color scheme. Adding black and white was permitted, but no other colors (note that I did end up adding a colorless marker to get pale hues, but it also served as a tool erase unwanted blotches, so I suppose it still counts as "using no other color" ^_^).

That does sound fun, doesn't it? I thought so too, when I first heard of it (thanks to my Aceo community, where someone listed various drawing challenges) and I was eager to join, especially since I wasn't that confident in using Copic Markers and figured it would be a great opportunity to improve my skills. At the time I only wanted to give it a try once or twice - I didn't expect that I would turn it into a regular challenge though, one that would accompany me for twenty-three consecutive months.

 

Before I'm going to talk about why I decided to stop, let's look back at each and every drawing I created since I joined in February 2019 :) I'm going to share galleries of my scanned artworks, but I also suggest you look at the separate photos (especially of the ones where I used metallic paint, the scanner simply can't capture the beautiful sheen) - and if you're interested, you can also read a bit about my thoughts behind the illustrations ♥

 

2019

Like I said, I learned about the challenge in February, so I only created elven drawings during 2019 - most of them starring my own characters, but I also drew some fanarts. I didn't want to draw random pictures, so I racked my brain each month to find a character matching the color scheme - which was really tricky at times *laughs*

 

January 2019 - Umeko
January 2019 - Umeko

February 2019

Colors: E13 (Light Suntan), E27 (Milk Chocolate), R22 (Light Prawn)

The challenge started easy enough. The colors reminded me of plum blossoms, so I quickly figured my fox Umeko would be perfect for my first illustration. Looking back at it now, I must say it's still one of my favorites ♥

Oh and in case you're wondering about the golden moon...Since I didn't really plan on making the challenge a regular thing, I didn't take the "adding no other colors" that serious yet 😅 You'll also notice that I kept adding metallic paint to a few of my first illustrations for the challenge.

March 2019 - Takio (Hidetomo)
March 2019 - Takio (Hidetomo)

March 2019

Colors: YR01 (Peach Puff), B01 (Mint Blue), BG07 (Petroleum Blue)

Another of my favorites ♥ I remember that I called this illustration of my OC Takio "Narcissus", not only due to the daffodils behind him, but also based on the greek myth about a man who fell in love with his own reflection. Considering how vain my dear Takio is, this was quite fitting, don't you agree? x'D

April 2019 - Hanaye
April 2019 - Hanaye

April 2019

Colors: BG000 (Pale Aqua), BG34 (Horizon Green), RV21 (Light Pink)

This was the first time I kinda struggled. The colors were extremely pale and I wasn't quite sure what to do with them, but fortunately I was able to create a lovely, layered grey by mixing all three markers. I'm quite happy with the result and I think the magnolia flowers are a beautiful background for my OC Hanaye (who happens to be Takio's sister).

May 2019 - Desire Demon
May 2019 - Desire Demon

May 2019

Colors: G29 (Pine Tree Green), V12 (Pale Lilac), RV66 (Raspberry)

Another difficult one :'D. Pinks and purples aren't necessarily my favorite colors and at first I really had no idea what to draw, the colors matched none of my characters. Fortunately my favorite game (Dragon Age: Origins) inspired me to draw one of its strange creatures: a desire demon.

June 2019 - Link
June 2019 - Link

June 2019

Colors: Y35 (Maize), YR04 (Chrome Orange), YG01 (Green Bice)

More Fanart, this time of Link from Legend of Zelda - I thought the colors suited him nicely. I'll admit, putting the triforce in the background wasn't the most creative idea, but ah well. I did like the idea of painting his eyes golden though, to symbolize his inner strength.

This was the last picture where I "broke the rule" of not adding another color, by the way. I figured since I've been doing the challenge for a few months now, I might as well do it right from now on.

July 2019 - Vaati
July 2019 - Vaati

July 2019

Colors: BV01 (Viola), BV04 (Blue Berry), RV14 (Begonia Pink)

Now THIS was an easy one *laughs*. The moment I saw the color scheme, I KNEW I had to draw Vaati from "The Minish Cap" (my favorite part of the Legend of Zelda series). I depicted him framed by his more ”monstrous” form, to show that even within such a creature, there's still just a a little Picori boy, who wanted nothing more than to impress and surpass his master.

August 2019 - Gabryel
August 2019 - Gabryel

August 2019

Colors: FBG2 (Fluorescent Dull Blue Green), FRV1 (Fluo. Pink), FY1 (Fluo. Yellow Orange)

Neon colors! Now THIS was tricky at first, it felt like having to draw with highlighter pens. But after some brooding, I decided that I might as well use the fluorescent colors to my advantage and turn them into neon signs. The result has got to be one of my most favorite pieces I did for the CoM, especially because I also really liked my idea of putting the cityscape into Gabryel's wings.

September 2019 - Venras
September 2019 - Venras

September 2019

Colors: Y13 (Lemon Yellow), YG05 (Salad), G28 (Ocean Green)

Ahh this illustration - it's another of my personal favorites. I remember asking the creators of the challenge whether I was allowed to add grey markers or if this was cheating and after I got their permission, drawing the artwork was smooth sailing (even if the crosshatching took forever and it took a lot of effort to convince myself that it's okay to paint his face green x'D). The grey tones really helped to emphasize the green glow of Venras' magic ♥

October 2019 - Levant
October 2019 - Levant

October 2019

Colors: R20 (Blush), YR15 (Pumpkin Yellow), Gold

This was the first exception to the three marker rule, since it only included two colors plus gold. It was a pleasant change to the challenge, even though drawing this piece wasn't easy. At the time I felt quite burnt out (due to Inktober, among other things) and I had to redo the lineart because I messed up the first attempt, but at least the final result looks quite nice. I still like the more or less spontaneous idea of adding some golden lines to Levant's hair :)

November 2019 - Jowan
November 2019 - Jowan

November 2019

Colors: B29 (Ultramarine), B04 (Tahitian Blue), Silver

With the previously mentioned Inktober behind me, I took a break from art to recharge my creative energies and it really helped. That I had been “feeling blue” for a long time also served as an inspiration for this artwork of Jowan (from "Dragon Age: Origins"). Even if he's done many, terrible things, he's a character I cannot help but sympathize with and I had so much fun drawing him again (for the fourth or fifth time).

December 2019 - Yraloin
December 2019 - Yraloin

December 2019

Colors: C-2 (Cool Gray No.2), YR23 (Yellow Ochre), R27 (Cadmium Red)

The final color selection of 2019 was beautiful, because it instantly reminded me of one of my own characters: the dark elven warrioress Yraloin ♥ My main memory of this picture is how much I enjoyed drawing her hair *laughs*.

2020

Oh, 2020...What an awful year. But I know I'm not alone with this sentiment. I mean, who could've imagined that we would be stuck in a pandemic? Although my own lifestyle wasn't affected that much by it, I still feel sympathy for everyone who has been struggling emotionally, as well as financially and of course also for those who had to mourn people they lost to that terrible illness.

A personal loss was also what made the year a living hell for me - although loss is probably not the right term, let's call it...a cruel betrayl and heartbreak. I don't want to dwell on it here and repeat everything I've already said somewhere else, but it lead me to taking a long, wholesome hiatus. As a result of this I missed some months of the challenge and drew some of them later.

 

January 2020 - Morrigan
January 2020 - Morrigan

January 2020

Colors: R14 (Light Rouge), RV69 (Peony), B26 (Cobalt Blue)

This was another easy one, mainly because I had used the color "Peony" multiple times to draw Morrigan from Dragon Age: Origins and I figured the blue would also work nicely for her hair and the feathers. I still kept the background relatively simple, but this was going to change later that year.

February 2020 - Rapunzel
February 2020 - Rapunzel

February 2020

Colors: R11 (Pale Cherry Pink), V05 (Marigold), Y13 (Lemon Yellow)

I had a rocky start with that one, because again I stumbled over the same problem of "what am I supposed to do with those pinks?". But as soon as I realized it's exactly Rapunzel's color scheme from Disney's Tangled, the rest was easy. I love how the Yellow mixed so beautifully with the pinks to create her golden haircolor and I personally think that framing her with her her hair was a fun idea :)

March 2020 - Karasu
March 2020 - Karasu

March 2020

Colors: YG03 (Yellow Green), FV2 (Fluorescent Dull Violet), B06 (Peacock Blue)

This was the first CoM piece where I went for a more detailed background, but I still stayed true to my original theme of having an ornament of sorts behind the character, which I had done for most of my artworks for this series. Rather than picking a geometrical shape however, I went for the silhouette of a bird, since my OC Karasu is a crow.

April 2020 - Nayru, Din & Farore
April 2020 - Nayru, Din & Farore

April 2020

Colors: BG01 (Aqua Blue), R24 (Prawn), G05 (Emerald Green)

I think this is my least favorite CoM illustration, less so because of the piece itself, but because of the memories behind it. I heavily struggled with my art and depression at the time and thus felt rather uninspired. Fortunately the colors reminded me of the three Goddesses from "The Legend of Zelda" (based on their designs from the Oracles games), so at least I managed to finish the challenge for that month.

May 2020 - Jehldis
May 2020 - Jehldis

May 2020

Colors: YR04 (Chrome Orange), BG07 (Petroleum Blue), YG06 (Yellowish Green)

The May 2020 CoM was my last "regular" one for a while, since I suffered the aforementioned loss at the end of the month and thus fell into a state of grief. There isn't much to say about this illustration either, other than that it's one of the most detailed ones and that it's starring my OC General Jehldis (whom you might recognize from a few panels of this ancient comic. You may also notice that I've updated his design.).

June 2020 - Vyon
June 2020 - Vyon

June 2020

Colors: B29 (Ultramarine), RV06 (Cerise), E25 (Caribe Cocoa) /

Hex#352977, Hex#DB549E, Hex#BE755A

During the months of my hiatus I mainly distracted myself by playing videogames, but as I was recovering slowly, I also found my way back to digital art. That's also why I decided to experiment a little with the June colors and rather than by using markers, I painted this illustration in Photoshop. It's a comparatively simple artwork, but I still like it, especially since I got to cope with my pain through this portrait of my dark elf Vyon.

July 2020 - Zade
July 2020 - Zade

July 2020

Colors: N2 (Neutral Gray 2.), G16 (Malachite) & choose your third color

The July colors held a special challenge, since we were allowed to pick our own third color - I went for N7 (Neutral Gray 7), because I intended to turn it into a grayscale drawing, using the beautiful green as an eyecatcher, similar to other "Colorsplash/Colorkey" I had done previously in 2019 (you can see my favorite example here).

Even though I only finished this illustration in December, I'm still happy with it - especially since it's the first piece of my OC Zade I shared (a new-ish character who had also helped me to cope).

August 2020 - Fuu
August 2020 - Fuu

August 2020

Colors: B29 (Ultramarine), RV14 (Begonia Pink), Y18 (Lightning Yellow)

This colorful picture is actually the final CoM illustration I did and I finished it just recently, in January 2021. I still have no real clue why I ended up drawing Fuu though *laughs* I think it was because the colors reminded me of sunflowers and they, in turn, reminded me of Samurai Champloo and since I had re-watched the anime just recently, I thought it was a good idea.

September 2020 - Arrietty
September 2020 - Arrietty

September 2020

Colors: FV2 (Fluorescent Dull Violet), YG67 (Moss), R17 (Lipstick Orange)

By the end of August I was back to posting my artworks online and hence the September CoM was the first challenge I participated in actively, after the months of my absence. And since I really missed my watercolors, I ended up deciding to use those instead (Sap Green to replace YG67, Cobalt Blue Violet as FV2, Organic Vermillion for R17). It's an illustration of one of my favorite Ghibli movies: "The secret world of Arrietty".

October 2020 - Shinseiji
October 2020 - Shinseiji

October 2020

Colors: E09 (Burnt Sienna), E27 (Milk Chocolate), FYR1 (Fluorescent Orange)

Oh, I really love this one! October was generally a great month art-wise, since I created my own drawing challenge called "Yasa-OC-Tober" (I might create a separate post about this experience sometime, we'll see) and got a lot of support from fellow artists and friends who also joined.

In between all these black and white artworks, the CoM was a welcome change and I took it as an incentive to redraw an old picture of my OC Shinseiji. I'm really happy with the fire - turns out fluorescent oranges are great for fire (but then again I've written that before, haven't I? XD).

November 2020 - Seiichiro
November 2020 - Seiichiro

November 2020

Colors: E02 (Fruit Pink), YG95 (Pale Olive), E95 (Tea Orange)

I think this was one of the first moments where I realized that I was getting increasingly dissatisfied with the challenge - not because of what I drew though, far from it. I really enjoyed working with the white of the paper to create the illusion of strong sunlight and I think it's a neat illustration of my OC Seiichiro, but... I couldn't work with the given colors. When I first swatched them, I noticed that "Fruit Pink" and "Tea Orange" looked nearly identical (more about that below), so it would've been like working with two colors rather than three, causing me to switch E02 with R11 (Pale Cherry Pink), of course with permission by the challenge's organizers.

December 2020 - Zelda
December 2020 - Zelda

December 2020

Colors: BG02 (New Blue), B28 (Royal Blue), B79 (Iris)

Like I said, I spent my summer playing a lot of videogames, one of them being "The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild" and after a (sort of) prequel game was released in late 2020 ("Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity), I was kinda obsessed with the franchise *laughs*. It guess you could say that it was little surprise that I drew Princess Zelda for the final CoM of the year. Nothing much to say here, other than that I liked the icy mood created by the three diferent blue tones.

So, why do I no longer join the CoM challenge?

As you can see, I really had fun with the Colors of the Month and I think in the end I did reach my goal of getting more confident in drawing with Copic markers, all thanks to this constant practice every month. However many things changed and I can't pinpoint exactly when it started to happen, but I can name a few. Because you see...I suppose it's not just one specific thing that made me decide to quit now, but rather a collection of various, smaller factors.

In the beginning, I was really excited. Not just about the prospect of learning new skills, but I also thought this was a wonderful opportunity to expand my collection of copic markers and discover new colors I didn't own before (for example I probably would've have bought the Fluorescent colors, if the challenge didn't inspire me to). So naturally, whenever a new month drew nearer, I got really excited and couldn't wait to find out what color selection was going to be next.

 

At first everything went well for a while, but then I started encountering repeated colors, which in itself is no problem - I mean hey, I don't need to spend money on new markers, right? But when a color gets repeated three times (I'm looking at you, B29), you start to notice and it diminished the fun of working with new colors. Ultramarine wasn't the only case, by the way, other ones (E27 "Milk Chocolate", FV2 "Fluorescent Dull Violett" and BG07 "Petroleum Blue", to name three more examples) kept showing up twice as well and it made me wonder why, after all there's a vast amount of colors to choose from. I don't know if it was coincidence or a lack of care on the part of the challenge's creators, but no matter the reason, it's one of the things that lessened the fun I had with the challenge.

Similar colors
My swatches for the November 2020 colors: E02 and E95 look almost identical.

Another slight disappointment came with the color selection for November 2020.

I've mentioned it briefly above, but it was strange that two of the colors looked almost the same (and E02 looked nothing like the digital swatch supplied on the challenge's color guide, which was supposed to be more like a light, peachy pink. I realize different screens vary in how the colors are shown, but this was a huge difference). Again I wondered how this could happen and I did message the company about this issue, however and they suggested that it may have to do with the different papers we tested on ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I have my own guesses regarding the issue, but I'm not going to share them here, since they're merely unverified speculations.

 

The final reason I'd like to mention is the one that finally tipped the scale and forced me to make a choice. Like every month, I was curious to see the new colors selection, but when I went to check the website to find the January colors, I was surprised - and maybe a little shocked - to see that something had changed for the worse. As of January 2021, the Colors of the Month challenge no longer contains three markers, but instead I only found four colored boxes with hexcodes written down below. Whereas usually they would add a list of brands and their respective color names for each color, this information was completely missing. Of course I went and messaged the company again, to find out if it simply had been forgotten, only to find out that this was intentional. Their reason being, that apparently people had often asked whem, whether they could "join in on the challenge even if they don’t own the brands". Which...Doesn't really make sense? I mean, people could still do that previously - in fact you've seen me do something similar with my solution for the September CoM 2020, where I used watercolors instead of markers. Rather than removing the information all together, one could've added a line stating that people were free to choose alternatives, if they so desire, but I suppose this was easier for them.

It may not sound that tragic to some, but for me this change is not only a huge inconvenience, but it completely defeats the purpose of seeing what other people create with the very same color selection, which somehow was the whole point of the challenge. (That, and it also meant I could no longer expand my collection by discovering new Copic colors, which was one of my personal reasons why I joined in the first place.)

 

But in any case. These are only some of the many reasons why I decided to stop joining the Colors of the Month challenge. There are more, but again I'd prefer to keep them to myself, since I don't want to sound unkind, nor do I want to utter speculations regarding business decisions the organizers of the challenge may or may not have made, but that ultimately led me to be increasingly unhappy with how the challenge was handled.

I also would like to say that this decision was not an easy one to make - to be entirely honest with you, I was really upset about it and it took a while for me to come to terms with it, because I've really grown to love that challenge and it has been with me for almost two years. That's also why I decided to write this post, to properly bid the challenge farewell, and to have a place to go back to, to remember all the fun I had with the Colors of the Month.

 

As a final note: of course this does not mean that I'll completely quit creating limited color illustrations, but in the future I'm going to pick my own colors - and I won't only stick to markers, either. In fact, I already did something similar recently, when I created a limited color watercolor piece of my OC Hidetomo. If you're curious, you can find it by clicking on this link.

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Inktober 2019 and Creative Burnout

Art and writing is my passion, it's what I live for, it's always been that way, but when creativity becomes a chore, something is clearly amiss - and it's been going wrong for a while now, long before the month of October arrived.

In this blog post I want to share my experience with this year's Inktober, why it might've been a mistake to participate, about where I am currently at, art-wise and where I'll go from here.

What went wrong?

I've been expressing myself creatively for as long as I can remember.

As a child, it brought me joy to doodle and imagine stories, as a teenager writing tales and illustrating them basically saved my life and as an adult it's what's keeping me sane.You could easily say that creativity has always been my outlet to deal with stress and negativity, no matter what was going on in my life. Whenever I felt upset, lonely or hurt, whenever tears were near and my heart was aching, simply picking up a pen or pencil helped me to soothe my soul. As I spun storylines and traced lines onto my paper, I suddenly felt free, unburdened by life's troubles - they just disappeared, like leaves being carried down a stream. Through creativity I learned to be happy, to experience true bliss, which I couldn't find in my daily life.

This is why being creative has become so important to me, it's like breathing, something I can't do without. But maybe...Maybe it's best if I stop, at least for a while (drawing, not breathing, that is *laughs*).

Please hear me out and I tell you why.

 

For the past few months I've been really struggling.

I think it started, because I had a long ToDo-list with things I "owed" to other people. Art trades, aceos, Commissions, things like that which just accumulated because I couldn't say "no". There were far over twenty drawings for many different people I had to do and although I love art and it honored me that people wanted artworks from me, it just became too much. I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of items on my list, well aware that it would take ages to finish and I had no idea where to start. But since I'm someone who likes to make plans, I tried to organize it, to battle my list one item at a time. I called it "Operation: Slay the Dragon" and slowly but surely, I got the hang of it. With each finished piece, my hope that I would win this 'battle' increased.

I kept telling myself that once I am finished with my To Do, I'll have time for myself at last, that I finally get to focus on my writing and my personal art completely, without the nagging guilt that there are other things I SHOULD be doing. It was my ultimate goal, something that seemed so far off, but what would make all the struggles worth the while.

Don't get me wrong, even while I was fighting that 'dragon', I tried to make room for my own projects (including a monthly challenge called "Colors of the Month", which I took as an opportunity to draw my OCs and fanart of my favorite fandoms), but it often got very difficult to balance them with what I now described as 'my work'. Sometimes painting an aceo for someone else was so exhausting that I had no energy left to draw for myself and I just crashed.

I also got sick and often suffered from stress-induced headaches constantly, causing me to "lose time" - hours I was supposed to spend "working" and I felt unhappy with myself because I was "slacking". In order to remedy that, to give myself a feeling of accomplishment, I would often cancel my weekend (because you see, I promised myself to take Sundays and Mondays off, dedicating those solely to my own projects - and to leisure, such as playing videogames, watching shows, reading, baking or doing other things), so I could catch up with the time I lost. Deep within I knew this wasn't healthy - but it was productive and this is what I thought I needed. One item down the ToDo, meant one step closer to my goal.

At night I often laid awake, brooding over the next day, of what I was going to have to do, already trying to come up with compositions or concepts, because I couldn't sleep, my mind was far too active. Too busy, with worries of the future, things beyond my control -  I guess trying to plan something within my influence, like my artworks, was my mind's way of comforting itself - or of trying to distract from my (often irrational) fears. Too bad that they did catch up with me while I slept, in the form of nightmares, though.

This too, wasn't healthy, I realized that. In fact I started taking Valerian and that natural remedy did help to make me fall asleep faster - but what it didn't solve were the nightmares. They haven't stopped yet. In fact, I can't remember when I last had a restful night, they haunt me daily.

But anyway, I'm getting sidetracked.

 

Every day I kept struggling - all throughout Spring and Summer I drew and painted, every single day, which in itself, wasn't a bad thing. I usually did so daily, but it was getting...Tedious. Although my ToDo-List was finally diminishing, as was my creativity, unfortunately. Art had become equivalent to work - not as in a "job", but more...Wasn't art supposed to be something I enjoyed? Well. I wasn't so sure anymore.

I tried to do my best, to finish each item on my ToDo to my best ability, to make the future owners of those artworks happy and though I am proud of many of the illustrations I did and truly gave it my all, I simultaneously became more and more dissatisfied with my private projects. I would often scrap sketches I did of my favorite characters and OCs, probably driving some friends insane by telling them that I didn't like how they looked, although they loved those drafts and encouraged me not to abandon the ideas.

"You can do this!" - I tried to convince myself by using that Washi-Tape to secure the WIP, as I "forced myself" to draw. Boy, was I wrong.
"You can do this!" - I tried to convince myself by using that Washi-Tape to secure the WIP, as I "forced myself" to draw. Boy, was I wrong.

This work in progress here is just one of these many examples, where I was already unhappy with the sketch, but continued even so, just to make myself draw SOMETHING. Just so I wouldn't be idle, because I thought if I didn't give up, just tried hard enough, I would find joy again. However, the lineart didn't please me and as I slapped some rough basecolors onto it, regardless, I broke down crying because it just didn't look right - no, that's not quite it. It didn't "feel" right.

I stopped, put the piece aside, unsure whether I'll ever finish it and though once again, my friends reassured me that the artwork was beautiful in her opinion, I wasn't certain.

I lost the ability to "feel" what I was drawing, to live it, to make it become "real" and to gain happiness that way. It's difficult to explain, but usually I am able to "walk" within my artworks. I smell the air, feel the wind and the sun on my face, I hear the sounds all around me. I draw what I see in my minds eye, as though I am really there, as though I just capture a scene from reality on paper.

But this wasn't the case this time...When I looked at all those "failed" sketches, they just felt...Empty, thus I didn't like them. And in the end I realized why: my imagination had suffered, too.

 

By the time my ToDo List was finally coming to a close in Autumn, I was no longer able to think of anything. No story ideas, no compositions for artworks, no color concepts - nothing at all. I hadn't written in weeks due to my ongoing "battle against the dragon", either and on top of everything, I was at odds with my art style, annoyed by my obsession with details, which always caused my artworks to take far too long.

Again, I refused to surrender, I tried to fight, this time by doing some rough landscape studies and the social media reactions on those were so extensive, that they once again woke my frustration over the fact that I felt like all people wanted to see from me were landscapes, that no one really cared for what I loved most: drawing figures, telling their stories.

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to be ungrateful here - when people say they love the landscapes I draw, I know they mean well and I am thankful. I know their compliments are genuine. But you see, if you spend weeks, if not months on an artwork, pour your heart and soul into it, try to tell the story of a character and all you hear is "Wow, the background looks nice!", it's quite disheartening. It's like being a baker, who spent ages on a large cake, but rather than having people comment on how good it tastes, or how nicely it's decorated, all they say is "The plate it's presented on has a nice pattern." - that's what these comments sometimes felt like and I had this happen so often, more times than I can count. Whereas I rarely have people comment on what my artwork made them feel, if they related to the story, or if they liked my way of drawing faces or figures - my style, in a nutshell.

 

Anyhow. I was at my wits' end, annoyed with myself and unhappy.

I thought maybe I had just lost my inspiration and I asked my friends to give me some challenges, in hopes that they would return the spark of creativity I was so desperately in need of. It did help, for a moment at least and these four panels here for example were some of the few paintings I almost thoroughly enjoyed (note that I purposely left no space for a background there), but...It was no cure.

I kept feeling less and less happy with what I drew privately and when finally the end of of my ToDo was nigh and I finished the the penultimate item on it, I had no idea where to go from there.

All these months I had been fighting to get to this point, to finally have time for myself, for my characters, my novel...For what I loved. But now that it was within reach, I was terrified. I didn't know what to do, how to continue - how was was I supposed to write or draw, when I felt so utterly uninspired? But I was mistaken - my inspiration wasn't the problem - I had yet to realize what it was. And hence I couldn't fathom what the decision I made at this point, was going to do to myself.

 

A mistake?

It was the end of August when I skipped through the pages of my sketchbook and stared at my Inktober drawings of 2018, wondering whether I should give it a try again this year.

Although I still remembered all the frustration and tears I had spent over these artworks, because I had completely underestimated the toll the challenge was going to take, I was still impressed with the fact that I finished it (even if had to force myself in the end because I didn't want to accept defeat :'D) and to my surprise, I also still loved many of the drawings I did that year - including all those crazy, tiny, time-consuming details. And what's even more important: they made me feel something, as though I captured the emotions within the pages and by looking at them, I unleashed them anew.

Well, I thought to myself, why not try again and join Inktober 2019? There's still time to plan - and I could sign up for the newsletter, so I would get the prompts one month early, enough time for brainstorming and research, I could get a head-start that way. Maybe it would help, maybe it would be easier than last year. Maybe getting 31 fresh prompts would spark inspiration. Maybe I would finally regain my confidence - and the joy I used to feel when drawing.

Spoiler: I didn't. Far from it.

 

At first, the planning process went anything but smooth.

Due to my severe lack of imagination even the most simple prompts (such as "treasure") gave me a headache and it took me the entire month to come up with enough, satisfactory concepts - which by the way, I didn't even end up sticking to completely (but more on that later). Often I also had a rough idea for WHAT I could draw, but now HOW. My mind drew a complete blank when trying to imagine what angle I could pick, or what pose to chose - reading what I wrote down in my notebook, things like "poisoned Vyon" (for the prompt "Dizzy") didn't trigger any images in my mind, as it usually would. They were just empty words and I am so eternally grateful that my friends supported me at times like this, by listening to my dilemma and sometimes even by doodling thumbnails to inspire me, which in turn, did spark a composition in my head.

In the meantime, as my plans were slowly progressing, I also tried to prepare myself mentally for Inktober by watching some Youtube videos on the topic and other art related ones - until one afternoon, there was one random video in my recommendations that opened my eyes and shocked me, because what was being said there sounded so familiar.

Unfortunately I can't find the link anymore, but it was about someone who suffered from Burnout and compared it with the Miyazaki movie "Kiki's Delivery Service" - a really lovely film. I won't go much into detail about the plot (because if you haven't seen it yet, do so, it's really heartwarming and sweet. Not an action-packed epic like "Mononoke-Hime" or "Spirited Away", but beautiful nonetheless), but in it, the little witch loses her ability to fly. She tries to force it, gets frustrated and depressed because nothing works and well...I could relate. My situation was just like her's, my creativity was my form of "flying" - and I could no longer use that ability. And there I was, at the end of September, with Inktober just around the corner and I no longer thought it was such a good idea to participate.

I had not lost my inspiration or my ability to enjoy creativity, I was just...Burnt out. Again.

Because yes, it had happened before, about a year ago, but at the time, it felt different - it happpened in a different manner, too and was caused by something else, which was why I didn't recognize the signs it until it was all too late. No wonder I was so worn out mentally, didn't sleep well and felt depressed all the time.

And yet...I had put all this effort into planning Inktober and wanted to see it through. I knew it probably wasn't the best idea, but a part of me still clung desperately to the hope that it would return my happiness to me. But right from the start I noticed I was going to have a hard time. The first prompt "Ring" actually gave me an excuse to draw my favorite couple again, but even this didn't fill my heart with joy. The result was anything but what I wished for, but well... At least I knew why, now. My view was clouded by my exhaustion.

 

I kept thinking of Kiki and her troubles, too - and of how she eventually overcame them, through the advice of her artist friend Ursula in the movie. Maybe the solution would be same for me: to stop drawing and to do something else, instead of stressing over it.  But I couldn't just give up Inktober, right? I had to finish what I started.

One evening, when I worked on one of the pieces, I sat down, determined to draw, but instead I started at the blank page, dropped my pencil and started crying.I didn't even WANT to draw, but I felt like I HAD TO draw. Because I started the challenge. Because I talked some fellow artists into participating as well. Because I felt responsible. Because recently so many new followers had joined my page and probably "expected" to see more. Thoughts like this just kept driving me crazy and stopping was no option for me. I had all 31 drawings planned out, what was I waiting for? I can't give up now, can I? I have to keep going. I HAVE TO DRAW - this was what I kept telling myself, over and over again.

And what did I do instead? I spent three hours writing the intro to this blog post. I also made a promise to myself: that I was to take a week or two off after the challenge was finished - and take a break from social media, too. To use this time to unwind, maybe to sew something, create a figure in polymer clay, tend to my bonsai...Just doing OTHER creative things that had nothing to do with drawing. Maybe if I did this, I could learn to enjoy art again, to regain my creativity that way.

But first, I had to finish Inktober.

 

Despite my best efforts to make myself draw daily, my energy was waning midway through.

I also began changing plans I originally made - rather drawing my own character for the prompt "Wild" as I had intended, for example, I drew another Dragon Age Fanart. This was unlike me - like I mentioned previously, I'm someone who enjoys planning - and usually I follow the plans I make to a T, because I am not very good at being spontaneous. But my original idea just seemed way too difficult and it intimated me, so I wanted something a little...Easier. It didn't help that many of my artworks demanded my full concentration (which was hard to come by these days), either, because they were tiny and packed to the brim with intricate details, which also meant that many of them took more than two to four hours. Even though I purposefully kept some backgrounds simple and drew little to no pure landscapes (to avoid previously mentioned comments), every drawing felt more difficult than the previous one... I was struggling and not fully satisfied with most of the artworks I did.

 

Then, around the end of the challenge, something surprising started happening. My posts were suddenly incredibly well received and I thought I was imagining things when the amount of hearts on Instagram just kept increasing, then doubling and more than one of them crossed the one hundred mark.  It may not be much to some, or compared to other artists, but for me it was unbelievable. So far this had only happened once before, ever since I opened that account in January.

So many new followers joined, comments kept coming in, too and a few people mentioned they loved that my panel layout for Inktober reminded them of a comic, which I hadn't really intended, but made me glad, even so. Complete strangers also told me my art was "Inspiring" for them and that they enjoy my crosshatching, my linework...Things no one ever said about my art before. No "pretty trees" or "nice backgrounds." this time - someone actually said they liked how I depict emotion and that really made my eyes tear up. THIS was what I wanted to convey, after all - and if they felt it...Didn't this mean it was still there? That I was still able to put a spark of what my art was meant for into it, without being able to feel it at the moment?

 

Through all this, I also learned another thing: I had not only lost my imagination, but also lost sight of why I started drawing to begin with - and what Inktober and the items on my ToDo should really have been about.

I never meant to draw with the sole purpose of "serving others", no, drawing shouldn't be about creating something I could post...I didn't want to "produce" things like a factory. Drawing should express emotions, tell stories and most importantly: they should be for MYSELF, first and foremost. It's ironic that getting so much unexpected attention was what ended up teaching me that this shouldn't be what it's all about, even though I really appreciate all these kind comments. After all, they encouraged me - and through them, through the support of so many friendly people, my Inktober ended on a slightly happier note, after all. It made me smile to read such sweet compliments and if you are one of those wonderful people who accompanied me during my Inktober adventure, I want to say thank you :) You really have no idea how much your kindness means to me! ♥

 

And now?

One thing is certain: yes, I still want to work as an artist - professionally, too. I want to earn my living through being an illustrator and writer one day - it's still my dream. This hasn't changed and it never will.

But I have to re-learn that it's not just the result that counts, that art isn't just "work", but my passion. Productivity doesn't matter - so what, if a painting takes many weeks, because I draw every single leaf of a tree? That's just my style and I should accept that things just take time. Also, even if I paint a Commission for someone else, based on THEIR ideas, I should still be able to enjoy the process of putting paint to paper, am I right? After all that's what I always did. I loved making other people's visions come to life through my brush...Just as much as I loved spinning my own tales.

And furthermore: if I post something, the likes and comments those artworks get, do not matter. They do not evaluate how "good" or "bad" my artwork is. It's not an easy lesson to learn, I know I am prone to "judge" my pictures based on how well they are received and that I tend to get sad if a piece I previously enjoyed gets lost in the shuffle...There's a couple of drawings that are "tainted" by this (meaning that when I look at them now, all I can think is "people didn't quite like this v_v" rather than "Oh, I enjoyed painting this!" or "I am really happy with it") and I have to learn how to battle this bad habit. At least the knowledge that many other people also fall into this "trap" relieves me, because I know I am not alone.

I think through all the stress during the last months, through all the deadlines and obligations I had, I forgot all about such matters. I just saw this mountain of work, wanted to get through it, spread myself too thin in theprocess and pushed myself too far.

But this has to stop. I can't keep going like this.

 

To be honest, I am still at a loss how to re-learn those things. All I know is that I really need a break right now and just like I promised myself during Inktober, I will do so now. Maybe it will take a week, maybe it'll be two, I am not sure yet.

What am I am certain of though is that I really, really love art and creativity - and I need it in my life, badly. I want to rediscover the joy I once felt, want to walk within the planes of my paintings and spend time with my original characters and others I love.

I want to be happy again.

 

That being said, I do hope that all of you who are reading this understand why I won't be posting anything for a while now, but I will be back, that's a promise. After all, I also like sharing my art with other people. I appreciate everyone's feedback - and I enjoy looking at your beautiful, inspiring artworks, too. I love the fact that we artists support each other. After all, we're not competitors or rivals, but we're all in it together: we're all creatives :) And that's what Inktober 2019 clearly proved to me.

...My, I actually managed to conclude this wall of text on a happy note, didn't I? *giggles* But honestly - I said it before, but thank you. From the bottom of my heart: thank you for all your support and kindness (and for reading this long text >///< Sorry, I couldn't make it any shorter)! ♥

 

Now, to finish this up: here's my overview of this year's Inktober drawings. If you want to see the pictures in greater detail, or learn more about my thoughts behing them, either check my Instagram feed here at yasao.art  or you can also search for the hashtag #yasaosinktober2019 there.


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A big (badly needed) update + News

Spring is coming  - time for updates on the blog!
Spring is coming - time for updates on the blog!

Greetings, dear readers. It'll be spring soon - and you know what that means? No, I'm not talking about allergies *laughs* It's the perfect time for some spring-cleaning and I did just that by revamping Fare off Visions - it was long overdue, anyway 😅.

But the background image and the overall design isn't all that's new - there are plenty of other changes too, some minor, some larger.

 

You'll find out more about the updates and changes in this post, as well as some information regarding a certain social media platform I recently joined (those who also follow me on Facebook might have heard of it already), so what are you waiting for? :) Go on reading!

 

First of all: yes, I know, I've been neglecting my blog quite a bit - you only need to check the date of my last post and you see that this is true. The main reason for that is because I mainly focused on posting my content on my FB page, because to be honest, I have no idea if anyone is even reading what I'm writing here (the overall ammount of comments I got last year on my posts was...Zero). Sure, it could be that someone (like you - thank you! ♥) DOES read my posts and I greatly appreciate that, but since I value feedback, it was more convenient for me to post my artworks on Facebook.

Admittedly, during the past few months the general amount of feedback also heavily decreased there and some of my posts remain largely unseen, but THAT is an entirely different story. It's something many other artists also complain about, but since there's nothing I can do against that I won't go on ranting now, even though I have to admit that it makes me sad when I post a picture and it doesn't show up on the timelines of my followers due to the strange algorithms of Facebook. ;///; And since I could no longer bear it, I also made a rather drastic decision: I created an Instagram-Account. 

 

Yes, you heard me right. You can find me on Instagram now (to do so simply follow this link https://www.instagram.com/yasao.art/). I gotta admit though I've been there since January now, I am still veeery suspicious of it and don't completely understand how it works (for example I still have no idea what the point of 'stories' is X'D). I'm not sure how long it'll take me to get used to it - or if I ever will (I mean, I already had a veeery weird encounter there *coughs*), but time will tell. I mean, I also used to dislike Facebook entirely and in time I learned to bear with it and grew fond of my art page there, so...We'll see.

So, if you happen to be on either of the two Social Media platforms, why not follow my art there? 😊 (If you like you can also drop me a message and tell me that you came from my blog ^////^). Facebook and Instagram are the easiest way for you to keep up with my most recent artworks ♥ I post a new picture (usually WIPs, sketches or finished works) every Wednesday and Saturday.

I can't promise that I will post more frequently here on my blog as well this year, but I will certainly try, for example by showcasing more development processes of my drawings in future, because I really enjoy creating these "Making of..."-Posts >U<

 

Anyhow, enough about social media *laughs*. Now back to my blog and updates I was talking about.

If this isn't your first visit here, you might have noticed that the design is a lot brighter and more friendly now :) I simply figured a change was in order, after all I hadn't really altered the design in years. Now my painting of my dear Levant decorates the background and the header is also new, containing some of my pieces from Inktober 2018 (if you haven't seen them yet, check them out ♥ I'm quite proud that I actually managed to participate last year and saw it through to the end).

As for the other updates...Let me create a list, to keep things as brief as possible:

 

  • General Updates
    • New Design
    • Fixed many texts allover the blog.
    • Added a German version to the contact page.
    • Added my social media links to the start page.
  • Art Section overhauled!
    • New information about my artistic habits.
    • Brand new gallery with my favorite artworks from the last few years (I deleted the old ones since they were vastly outdated).
    • The WIP Section was removed since it was outdated, too (I never updated it + only post those on my social media pages now).
  • Brand new "My characters ♥" section.
    • This category contains information about the main characters of my written works. I mainly created this section to provide references, should anyone wish to draw Fanart of my OCs (Fanart galleries are included as well).
    • It is currently still in progress, as I haven't gotten to adding the German versions and havent added all reference images yet. The English texts are completed, though.
  • Brand new "My little store" section
    • Granted, it isn't a store per se, more of an overview of the current merchandise I offer (post cards+prints of an Aceo I painted), but it also contains a list of my Aceo Commission prices.
    • This section is also still in progress (it has no English version yet).

I believe that should be all - it may seem like a short list, but I've been working on this big update for weeks now. I hope you like all the new additions and enjoy the new design. If you like, you can tell me what you think in the comment section below :)
Have a great day ♥

~Yasao


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Ten months of art ♥

Did you ever hear about the term "aceo" or "atc"? Or perhaps, if you live in Germany, you may be more familiar with the term "Kakaokarten" (and no, what I mean has nothing to do with the warm beverage I like to drink in winter xD) - or is it that you don't know what I'm talking about? They're teeny-tiny artworks of the size of a common trading card (2,5''x 3.5'' / 6,4 cm x 8,9 cm), made by artist and can feature both, original art, as well as sometimes fanarts.Very much like the standard trading cards, artists also trade these, or sell them, too and there's a whole community dedicated to them.


About ten months ago I became part of it all - and yesterday I finished my 100th aceo!  This is what this post will be about - and of course, I'll also include pictures of ALL aceos I drew and painted - so please take a look! ;)

 

So...Where to start? Maybe I should begin with a little known fact: I received my first aceo many years ago. It was drawn by a friend and showed my main OC, altbeit back then I didn't really know what a "Kakaokarte" was. In the following years I stumbled upon the term ever so often, without ever understanding the concept behind it - and truth be told, I never made the effort to inform myself, either.

This changed in the end of January 2015 when another friend finally introduced me into this wonderful world of 'artist trading cards' - and I'm not kidding, it was the best thing that could have happened to me! I soon learned that it's a rather welcoming community and I quickly made many great acquaintances, as well as some friends - and not only that, drawing these cards taught me so much! But I'm going to tell you about this in a moment ;)

First I want to tell you why drawing them feels so utterly rewarding to me: see, I always had a weakness for details, so naturally whenever I drew, I tried to add as many details as I could. Oftentimes I got so distracted by doing this, that I didn't only lose sight of the whole picture, but I also lost a lot of time on unnecessary little things, so in the end, a single picture took days, weeks, sometimes even months to finish - that is, if I finished them at all! I was left with a heap of unfinished WIPs & sketches and a discontent feeling - honestly, I finished so few drawings, it frustrated me so much! But with these aceos it's different - they're so small, that I can easily finish one in a day if I really focus on it, which means that in the evening I have this nice feeling of "having done something great" which I've been missing for years. And as for my love for details? I still indulge in it, of course - maybe even more than before! *laughs*

 

If you take a look at my aceos, you will notice that I keep challenging myself and I can only begin to make a list of things I learned by drawing all these one hundred cards - there's too much to really mention it all, or else I'll never finish to write this post :D .

Take for example my experiments with special lighting effects: be it the glow of a magical flame or the atmospheric light of either a flowstone- or a lava cave, these were things I never tried before, until I made myself draw them on my cards. I generally try to become more and more bold when it comes to backgrounds, after all I always thought this was one of my rather more lacking aspects of art - and oddly enough, I sometimes catch myself thinking that I enjoy coloring the background more than the characters themselves.

 

And regarding the characters: my way of portraying people has drastically changed if you ask me o_o

It always bothered me that people thought the way I drew persons was rather... Well, "Manga-Style". I think I mentioned this before, here and there, but nowadays people usually describe my style as 'fantasy art' or even 'realistic', which admittedly makes me smirk, considering that I used to get so defensive when I was told 'try to draw more realistic'. I always said I didn't want reality to "invade" my art - but now I learned that only by embracing this more 'realistic' style, I can make my drawings come to life. If I draw my own characters in my new style for example, they almost look the same way I always imagined them and this really makes me happy.

I will admit another thing though - it's not entirely due to the aceos that my drawing style made this unexpected turn, it's also thanks to something that holds a special place in my heart... And it's called Dragon Age.

Fans of the series will notice that many of the more recent aceos feature motifs of said series and I am beyond happy that I found my way into this fandom in late April/ early May. Ever since then I've written so much again (some may know, I love writing fanfiction - and my Dragon Age Fanfic has around 160 pages - and counting *laughs*), which is something else I sorely missed and it taught me to draw things I couldn't before, such as older people, beards, armors - oh, and so many other things, too! As I said, there's so much that I learned, I can't even name it all!

One last thing worth mentioning though is that due to painting some of my aceos with watercolor, I think I finally got the hang of using this fickle medium  - or at least, to cooperate with it *laughs* (really, the way the color behaves on paper sometimes leads me to believe it has a mind of its own and 'lives' to mock poor artist like me who try to bend its will xD). Aside of this, I also taught myself to use alcohol-based markers, commonly known as "Copic Markers". Previously I shyed away from using them, they simply were way too expensive for me to even consider messing with them, but now I've come to enjoy working with them. 


In any case...This year hasn't been easy for me so far and after the previous entry I wrote last month, you can probably imagine that I'm not exactly feeling happy either, but to see all these one hundred cards I drew - to remember all the kind people I traded with and thanks to whom I have a splendid collection of beautiful cards, many of them showing my OCs - it's just such a overwhelming and fantastic feeling. 

And can you imagine? Two of these cards are commissioned pieces, at that! If you read this: I'd like to thank you both again. To know that you appreciated my art so much, that you were willing to pay me to draw for you.... It means the world to me and encouraged me to trust more in myself and my skills >///< ♥ I know I'm still far from my dream of being an illustrator and making a living solely through my art, but this is like a little first step for me.

 

With that being said, I hope you will now enjoy to take a look at my whole set of 100 aceos.I submitted the first one on the 27th of January and finished my most recent one on the 15th of November.

If you'd like to see any of them in detail, you'll find all of them in my galery on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.695982313854197.1073741834.684663794986049&type=3 - and don't forget that I also publish my most recent sketches and WIPs on my art page there.


Well - that's all for today! >u< ♥  Do leave me a comment below and let me know what you think - or if you have any kind of question, feel free to message me! And to wrap things up, here are the cards:


Yasao's Aceos/ATCs/"Kakao Karten" (January-November 2015)

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Art and the "tome of countenance"

Hello everyone –  once again some time has passed ever since I last updated my blog, but those who read my previous article can imagine that I haven’t been feeling well. Truth is, I still haven’t recovered entirely, but I still wanted to write a small entry to update you on something I did just recently: I went social.

Yes, indeed - I joined facebook. Here's the link, for those who are interested in visiting me. (You'll also notice that I added share buttons to most of my previous entries.)


https://www.facebook.com/yasaoart


In this entry I will tell you why and what I’m going to do with this in future.

Also, as always, I'll show you some new drawings I did.

First things first, though – it might be a little late, but may I bid you welcome to the year 2015?

After all this is my first entry this year and I hope to update my blog more frequently this time around.


I know I’ve been slacking off a little last year, but it honestly wasn’t a good year for me. Sure, I successfully managed to get my certificate from the design school in summer 2014, but otherwise things haven’t been so good. I’m unemployed ever since then and although I have been trying to spend the time working on my novel and shaping up my artistic skill, I also spent way too much doubting myself. Doubting, wether my drawings are any good and whether I’ll ever be able to work as an artist.
I kept telling my family I want to study art in 2015, but it was mainly due to the fact that I felt - and still feel - like I’m not making any progress at all and hoped an art school might help.

Yes, my drawing style may have changed, but I don’t know whether this means it improved or not. That why I still do plan on studying (although I still don’t know where or what precisely) but the fear of being just a dreamer with a hobby called art and writing kinda... Well, let’s just say, it isn’t the best thing to keep yourself sane, especially if you're having a bad time in general recently.

So then I thought - how can I know, if I am any good, if the only people who see my art are my family and my few friends? How could I become famous, only keeping my work to myself?
Last year I thought my blog was my first step of going “public” and it already took a lot of courage for me to take this step...  But the lack of feedback built some kind of uncertainty, because I never knew if anyone looks at this website at all. I told my mother about this – and my brother as well, and it was him in the end, who said I should consider joining facebook.
Now, those who know me probably know I always purposely avoided this social network. I never liked it much of it and truthfully... I never had a high opinion of facebook altogether. This still hasn’t changed, I’m still in doubt  whether this was such a good idea... But time will tell, I suppose.
At least this way I’m able to reach more people and that’s also why I keep writing my entries in English, although German is my native language. Thankfully I had a rather warm welcome on facebook though, due to my brother and his friends showing me their kind support.
I know I already thanked you all over there, but I want to repeat my words: thanks for welcoming me in such a friendly manner and leaving me a few likes already <3
A “like” may not be the same as a comment, but at least it’s a direct way of knowing people appreciate my art.
...So, to wrap things up:



What will happen to the blog and what will be published on facebook?

I think I’ll keep sharing my future blog entries on facebook to notify everyone there’s been an update here.
Finished artwork and work processes will still be published here exclusively, however I’ll use facebook to share WIP images and sketches that you wouldn’t see otherwise.

What do you think of this idea?
Do you like it or do you perhaps have some suggestions or wishes? Please let me know! You can either leave a comment here or over at my facebook page.



And now, finally, to end this entry on a positive note, here’s some sketches I did recently.

And if I say “sketches”, I really mean sketches, although some of my friends might disagree. These drawings are really just some “finger exercises”. Since I’ve been working a lot on my digital art recently, I wanted to give traditional art another try so I wouldn't get out of practice (also because I got some neat new colored pencils for Christmas and I couldn’t resist to try them out <3).

All those drawings show my own characters from my stories called "Tales of Yokai", which are inspired by japanese myths and legends.


To those of you who're new here:

To find more about the stories, take a look at this here - or if you want to read a few pages of a doujin about my youkai, take a look here.


  • The first colored pencil study features Seiichiro, a land lord and haunted samurai of "Tales of Yokai".
    I'm still in the process of developing my own style, so trying to draw him traditionally rather than digitally was quite the challenge. The whole drawing took no less than a few hours and although it isn't perfect, I'm happy with it - after all it was the first time in a while that I drew at all.
  • The second picture stars my infamous crow youkai Karasu. As the description says I attempted using a limited color palette. I used only purple-ish colored pencils, with the exception of his eyecolor to get a nice contrast and some additional black to enhance the shadows. (Quite the difference compared to my digital works. I usually refrain from using pure black).
  • And finally, Umeko, my kitsune (fox spirit) of "Tales of Yokai". Considering that I usually have a hard time drawing feminine characters, this came out quite well. I still gotta practice drawing her braids, though.


Well, now that really is all for now.

Hope you enjoyed it - and see you again later, with hopefully more art!

~Yasao


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R.I.P. to the dearest friend I ever had.

R.I.P. Piepsa (2001-2014)
R.I.P. Piepsa (2001-2014)

I know I haven’t written in a while and though I wish the occasion for me to write a new entry could be happier, I never had to write something that feels so difficult.

It’s a dark day today for me and my family. Today I lost someone I held more dear than anyone else. I called him my baby, called him “Spatz - today I lost him, today, on the 16th October 2014 I lost my beloved pet bird, the most beautiful mistle thrush Piepsa.

Many people say “he was more than a pet” and find it silly to mourn over an animal the same way one would morn a person, but Piepsa certainly was more than a bird.
He was my baby – I mean it, he was like a child to me. I was his mother and today I lost my only child.

Whenever I came home, he happily greeted me – he always began to chirp loudly when he heard my voice. Any only my voice – although he also loved my parents and my brother as well, he only called for me. When I wasn’t home, he pouted and the moment I returned, he jumped around excitedly and called for me. Because of this, my mother also always said I was his mom, but is it any wonder?
I raised the little boy.

I met him when he was a little chick – he was still covered in his yellow down feathers and could barely eat alone. I was still in primary school and fed him with my own hands and gave him water, until he became old enough to eat and drink on his own and got his adult plumage.
I watched him when he learned to fly, encouraged him and was so happy when he was old enough to let him go.

We wanted to set him free.
My father told us not to get too attached to him, for he was a wild bird. As a thrush the woods would be his home, not our house, not a cage... So we let him go. Twice he flew away, twice he returned. The little boy melted my father’s heart, until the topic of letting Piepsa go was no longer a matter.

He was always there.
When he was young, he used to sit on the large pendulum clock in our living room. During dinner I would call his name and he would fly to my shoulder, so I could feed him tiny pieces of potato and noodles, a little bit different things than his usual mealworm, dry food and forest bird treats diet.
I have so many beautiful and amusing memories of him jumping down from my shoulder onto the table, to land amidst my plate. He was such a funny little bird. I also have so many cute memories of him bathing in the kitchen – he set the whole room underwater then, when he flapped his wings in the bowl we gave him as a bathtub.  I loved to watch him do this, and loved how he always ran to me when he was too drenched to fly. Then I always held my hand in front of him, he climbed on it and I carried him to his cage.

The doors of his  huge cage were always open – during his early years he was free to fly about the whole house.
As he got older, he remained inside his cage and began to develop an adorable habit of humming along whenever he heard the dishwasher or the kitchen hood over the oven. I often wondered what he spoke about to the machines, why they made him sing like this. All I know is that it always made me smile.

In spring – and throughout nearly the entire last year or his life – he also had another habbit: as soon as it got bright outside or someone would turn on the lights in the kitchen, he’d begin to call out noisily. Mating calls, my mother would say and smirk – but I think he simply hated to be alone. Because whenever one of us was in the kitchen, he would be silent, except if I went up to the cage and talked to him – then he would sing a little song, only for me.
Just two weeks ago – a day before my birthday – when I was baking a cake, I was in the kitchen and played some music. As soon as the chocobo theme played, he began to sing along. It was so cute – he was cute. The cutest bird I ever knew.

There were signs though that it was going to end.
He was old, I know that. Also, he was half blind, but still he had no trouble feeding and drinking – I taught him early on to eat from a dish on the cage floor, and to drink from a small bowl.  And as he got older, and was too weak in his tiny legs to sit on the bars, he spent his days on the ground. Still, he ate his mealworms, pecked away at an apple we provided sometimes as a special treat and jumped up whenever he heard me.

Still I won’t forget that dreadful morning in August when Piepsa was acting crazy... He jumped around as though in panic, screamed and was breathing heavily. I was scared, I cried and thought I was going to lose him – a thought I couldn’t bear. Later I found out he suffered some kind of seizure, but he recovered and the next morning I woke from hearing his usual calls. I was relieved, had hope he was going to be fine – and for a little while longer, he was his old self.

All changed this morning.
When I woke, it was silent. When I went to his room, he didn’t answer – and when I approached his cage, he didn’t move.

Now he is gone.
My beloved bird is gone and nothing can bring him back. I couldn’t even watch as my mother buried him in the garden... It hurts too much to think he’s gone. I’ll never hear him sing again, he’ll never welcome me home again. He was the only one I always talked to about everything, the only one who kept me company when I felt sad.

I didn’t lose a pet. I lost a friend. A family member. A child. My baby. My Piepsa.
I will miss you...

~Yasao


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